The past three weeks had been crazy hectic with the neverending article and PR assignments six days a week. Seven if I’m super lucky (If you’re a regular reader, you’ve probably noticed that from the erratic posting frequency). I get calls to revise or add in a few paragraphs even when I’m out or in the toilet. In between my daily 12 to 13-hour work , there are household chores to attend to, dishes to cook, two Rottweilers to feed and a hyperactive toddler who wouldn’t take no for an answer.
That, coupled with the silly decision to leave Lia’s soiled cloth diapers in a pail sealed in a moist and warm part of the toilet for a week became the perfect recipe for moldy disaster. You could imagine the sheer horror of opening a pail of cloth diapers brimming with three-inch threadlike white growths, with heads resembling a spermatozoa.
The husband found out and asked for them to be disposed. Just the thought made me tear up. Not only because some of these were presents and the others I spent nearly P4,000 on, but because I was deeply attached to them. These weren’t just clothes that hold poop and pee. They were part of my daughter’s everyday life for a year. She wore them when she was just learning to sit up to the time she’s sprinting across the living room. They were a memoir of how things were once.
I received a lot of shoulda, coulda, woulda comments from fellow cloth diapering moms who suggested a combination of Lysol, boiled water, bleach, sunlight and other germ and mold extinguishers. “I drop everything in an instant for my baby,” said one. A few of them commented that like me, they are maid-less working moms who breastfeed and yet they manage.
They manage.
During Lia’s pedia visit last weekend, I was seated next to a mother with a charming three-year old boy who kept biting her arm. With absolute composure, she firmly said, “No biting.” Never snapped. Not once. I was envious.
For the life of mine, I cannot stay that calm when Lia exhibits her tempest – which is every ten minutes of her waking hour.
Since she became a toddler – and I am not proud to say this – yelling has become part of my daily routine. She’s in that stage where she’s growing more defiant, demanding and explorative each day. I know she’s not doing that to piss me off; she’s beginning to establish her autonomy, a separate living entity with her own desires and needs. But still I cannot stop yelling out of stress and frustration. Not that it stops her from doing what she wants anyway.
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| Motherhood is not always a breeze. |
That same day, I was word-whipped by my family and the MIL on how perhaps, I am letting Lia have it her way more than I should. That she’s too attached and too demanding. That despite what other breastfeeding moms say, it’s not normal for a 15-month old to wake up every one to two hours during the night to nurse. And that perhaps, I should start disciplining her even f it means resorting to more drastic measures.
The oft-traditional consensus is she’s just a child; a mother must always assume her authority.
I am at a crossroads where big decisions are looming over the horizon. These recent events made me think that maybe it is time to end some journeys that we started, like cloth diapering for instance. Obviously there is a need to free up some time so I squeeze in other pressing matters. Gradually weaning Lia from the breast has also started to dawn upon me.
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| How many of you moms wished your daughter could stay this small forever? |
When I started breastfeeding, I didn’t establish an end date to avoid disappointments. The two-year mark was what I would ideally prefer, but I tried to take it one day at a time. Because mommas, no matter how Shakira says it’s addicting, breastfeeding has its challenges. Teething, plugged ducts, toddlers becoming too attached that they MUST go wherever the breast goes.
But more than that, all that weekend hullaballoo made me question my qualifications as a mother. Motherhood is not something I enjoy 100 percent of the time. There. I said it. Nearly half the time, I feel like I’m tiptoeing on a guided wire, trying to balance motherhood with all homely duties and work.
It’s almost second nature for women to critique others and compare their parenting styles with those of others. The society’s rigid and oftentimes impossible standards of motherhood has me second guessing myself a few times.
But what I keep reminding myself is as mothers we take bits and pieces of advice along the way and carve our own paths. I don’t think it would be fair for us to compare our children to every other child we come across with. After all, even at conception they already have genes dictating their own unique personalities.
To say that they’re just kids and their needs should be adjusted according to our comfort is undermining the fact that they were born special and entitled to their rights, no matter how small and fragile they are.
But it is also unfair for us to put them and their needs on such a high pedestal and consider ours inferior. Those needs will have to be fulfilled one way or another, lest we want to end up resenting ourselves or our children. It is this balance between those needs and my child’s that I continue to struggle with. Every single day.
And as mothers like me do, my hope is that other mothers would be supportive the very least. If you are a working mom who’s able to manage full-time work, chores, wifely and motherly duties without any sort of help from their in-laws or parents like it’s a walk in the park, then congratulations for being a supermom.
But for those of us on the other side of the fence, I hope you do not expect us to have the same parallel abilities. We can’t simply leave our deadlines at the drop of a hat. We need to feed. Bills and mortgage have to paid too. Instead of condescension and criticism, let us apply a spirit of camaraderie and open-mindedness as we all strive to be the best mother we can be.
I miss reading your posts. Hugs to that. You are not alone in this bipolar journey. I too, is short tempered almost all the time. And yes, I did resort to yelling always because out tots seem to be deaf at some point. Nakakainis na nakkapikon pero yun nga they are just kids trying to develop their personality. Hang in there. Iniisip ko nga papano na ako nito dalawa na makulit sa bahay ko. Hay.
Toddlers are like that, Butchie. They're very demanding and they throw tantrums more than they throw their expensive toys. Trust me, you ain't seen nothing yet. Don't fret, it's how they are. You just have to understand them. Lia is at a stage wherein she's very demanding and at the same time, very curious about her surroundings. That's good actually. It means that she's developing very well. One, thing na natutunan ko sa mga teachers ni Luc is reinforcement and the art of being deadma whenever he throws tantrums. Try this, whenever she would start crying, let her cry. Wag ka matakot, ganyan din ako before whenever I see Luc na umiiyak. I'd easily pick him up and aamuhin. Bad idea. Na lure ka na nila sa trap nila. She's going to get tired with all that crying. Once nag stop na sya, talk to her and tell her stuff like "okay Lia, what do you want? Do you want some milk? Do you want this toy?" Start mo sya bigyan or ipakita yung mga sinasabi mo. It's normal for a 15 month old to act that way. You just have to outsmart them. Toddlers are very smart, they know what they want and they will move mountains just to get them. In Lia's case, she'll cry and throw tantrums.
The trick is mapa-understand mo sa kanya na pag nag stop sya mag cry, she'll get what she wants. That's reinforcing your child. Believe me, it works. If she starts getting hyper, divert mo lang attention nya sa ibang bagay. As much as possible, try not to yell. It won't help kasi. Isipin mo lang na nag-uutakan kayo and you're her mother, ikaw lagi masusunod. It's easier said than done pero once na master mo sya, easy breezy na ang lahat. Luc is 2 years old and sobrang hyper din. Pero now, less na kasi he can easily express what he wants. Tantrums? What tantrums? hehehe I can easily tell him to sit down or else he won't get what he wants. He already understands na I have to do whatever my Mommy tells me to do or else I won't get what I want. He'll outgrow the suhol part naman. Luc is really smart pero I'm smarter.
Don't worry, it's normal for her na ganyan si Lia. She's growing eh and developing. You don't need to do drastic measures para lang ma discipline sya. Talk to her, nakakaintindi na sila. All I can say is Luc is more disciplined now and that makes me a very happy mommy. Good luck!
I learned that too in nursing classes in psych and pedia subjects nung college. That when a toddler throws a tantrum, you simply ignore them till they resolve on their own. But when I became a mom, I learned mas mahirap pala siya gawin than said. It's hard for me not to get affected when she throws temper tantrums or demands that I play with her especially when I have rigid deadlines.
And to make it worse, medyo naguguluhan talaga ko between those that were taught in school and the principles of attachment parenting. IN attachment parenting kasi you don't ignore. You confront the child and address the needs. They both make sense kasi, kaya medyo torn din ako which school of thought to follow. Ang hirap maging nanay ano?
Thank you for the share and the sympathy, try ko rin ang suggestions mo, sana magwork. Please say hello to Lucio for me 🙂
Aaw…thank you dear! Ako rin namimiss ko na magblog but kailangan kumayod! I can totally relate to you. Tunay naman talagang nakakaubos ng pasensiya pag toddler na. Kahit ganong pigil ko talagang nasisigawan ko pero like you said, para ngang bingi. Minsan tatawanan ka pa or itutuloy-tuloy lag ang ginagawa (lalo na kapag ginagawang drinking fountain ang gripo! Susme!). I can only imagine how hard it is for you, having a toddler then an infant pa. How do you manage? Hugs back to you!
Trial and error ang peg ko sa pag discipline skanya. Minsan ignore na lang ako then masakit man sa loob na masaktan siya sa kalokohan nila hihinto din sila eventually. Ako naasar ako sa tatawanan kpa kahit mukha mo sasabog na sa inis. I went through that stage with Lia also. Malapit kna sa delaying tactics na jusko nakakaubos na din ng pasensiya. Million times mo kelangan sabihin na "keep your toys!" Masama pa nga sakin kase tandem pa toddler ko sa kalokohan nila pag sobrang pagod na ako feeling ko pinagtutulungan na ako. Hay. There are times na nag aaway na sila pag pareho na sila grouchy. Asaran na sila pareho. Ang ginagawa ko pinaghihiwalay ko sila kwarto.
I went through a lot of tough times too when my son was a toddler. I would often find myself inadequate and unable to balance work and caring for him. I was never able to successfully breast feed because my son could not latch on, and despite all my pumping efforts, my milk ran dry after 5 weeks. I cried a lot, and at times felt like I was gonna go nuts. But here I am years later with a 7-year old son who loves me and a whole new outlook. You are the best mom for your son, no matter what anyone says or how others think. And you're right, we moms should be supportive instead of critical of each other specially since we can be so critical of ourselves.
xo Patty
mrspcuyugan.com
it's hard. i would always tell my Mum not to spoil my kid but little did I know, I'm doing the same thing. sabi ko na lang, anak ko eh! I want the best for him. ibang iba daw ang kids nowadays talaga. ako daw kasi dati, gusto ng may suhol and supladita. hindi ako makulit and magulo. pero si luc, oh goodness! ubos energy nila. ubos din energy ko, heck! i barely have enough sleep and I rarely go out na din. there's goes my lovelife. hehehe
I guess at the end of the day, follow what you think is right. as a mom, follow your instinct. trial and error sya eh. mahirap pero it's an adventure. nakakatuwa nga kasi I once told Lucio, "you're such a hard headed kid, you dont take no for an answer." my Mum heard me and sabi nya, "well, now you know how i felt, maan!" confront her when she's older siguro, after all baby pa talaga si Lia. sabi sa therapy ni Luc, normal lang daw sa toddlers ang ganyan kagulo, baby pa kasi sila.
it'll get better, trust me! it'll get better pero mas gugulo pa sila pero by that time, nasasaway na sila so it's kinda easier. labo noh?!
I showed Lia's pic to Lucio and sabi nya, "bebe? mwaaah!" hahaha he has this thing with girls wherein out of nowhere pag nakakita ng girls, mag flying kiss and ipa-pout yung lips nya na parang mag kiss. haay! now i should start worrying na ba? hehehe
God bless!
I feel you, mommy. Ako honestly sa pag-discipline ako nahihirapan. Yung gumising sa madaling araw para ipagtimpla siya ng gatas kayang-kaya ko. Yung paliguan siya araw-araw, basahan ng stories maya't maya kering-keri ko pero sa pag-discipline talagang nangangapa ako. 🙁 One time I followed what other mommies do when their kids are throwing tantrums. Yung dedmatology approach. Hehehe… As in dedma ako sa pag-iyak niya. Kaso etong si kapitbahay tinawag ako at buhatin ko na daw para tumigil pag-iyak. Gusto ko sana maging firm that day na hindi ako makukuha ng iyak niya pero wala. Si kapitbahay na grabe magsisigaw sa mga anak niya araw-araw eh umeksena. Hayyy… Minsan hindi ko na talaga alam ang gagawin ko. Ako pa naman yung tipo na napapasigaw agad kapag galit pero God knows how much I try na maiwasan yun.
Hugs! Truly mahirap talaga umiwas sumigaw. My husband would often tell me too, hinay-hinay daw sa sigaw, di rin naman daw umeepekto kasi, but when we mommies are out-of-this-world stressed, I think that's the default na.
Paaway ang kapitbahay mo! LOL!
Patty, I am excited about Lia reaching 3 and beyond. It's the getting there that kind of scares me. When I read about moms like you who have school-aged kids already, I get very excited. I dream of being able to finally go to the grocery all by myself, sipping on coffee while reading a book, and even trekking a mountain. I applaud you that you were able to raise a 7-year old well kahit mahirap!
LOL @ lablayp.
You're right. Wala talagang by-the-book, hard rules on parenting. You take what you like form others, and the rest you make it work on your own.
I look forward to that day na "masasaway na at kinda easier" na. As in.
Haha! Wag ka muna kabahan, bata pa si Lucio. Lia also likes to poke and get close to boys. Just part of their curiosity as kids, I guess 🙂 God bless you too 🙂
lol almost non-existent ang lovelife! Men nowadays are very demanding. whenever they start being so demanding sa oras, I get turned off. tuloy, basted sila agad. hehehe they don't understand na I have a son and he is my priority. Feeling nila, desperate ako to have a partner. It annoys me big time. I'd rather be single. At least I have more time for myself and my son. My son is enough. 🙂
I feel you, Mommy G!
hi, naku, I can totally relate, and mine is 2 yrs old so nakakasalita na siya ng paunti-unti.. siya na ang nang-aaway sa amin ng papa niya, di ko rin alam paano siya ma discipline, lagi ko naman sinasabi sa kanya na "bad" kapag namamalo siya pero wa epek, siya ang gumagamit ng "deadmatology" at hindi ako, kaloka. Kagabi lang nagda-drama sa lola niya, sabi niya, "Inis!" tinanong ng lola niya kung kanino naiinis, sabi ba naman, "Mommy" hala, jusko day… haha.. super hirap maging nanay, I am lucky kasi andyan mama ko to help me, kasi whole day ako sa ofc kaya pag-uwi ko na lang nararanasan makaaway baby ko 🙂 Goodluck to both of us and I salute you dahil naggawa mo yan without any outside help.. more power! keep on writing ha, I learn a lot from ur blog posts… God bless 🙂
Yikes! Sorry, I thought infant pa si bunso mo, my gulay, pareho palang toddler. Ang hirap nga. Di bale, matatapos din tayo diyan. Hugs!
Well, mahirap talaga to balance love life with a toddler. Tama ka naman, you have Lucio already. Ang lablayp kaya maghintay with the right guy 🙂
Oh no! Terrible two's! I dread that the most. Nataw ako, siya ang nangdedeadmatology ha, imbes na ikaw ang magpaface the wall eh no. LOL. You're very lucky to have your mom with you 🙂 And aaaw…thank you. I'm happy may nakakapulot pala ng samting sa blog ko. Haha. Bless you too!